Weird title I know, but bear with me.
The first thing you need to know about me is that I have the self worth of a house brick. The reasons for it are ancient and boring, but my default position on almost everything is “its my fault.” So when I started to have trouble walking I put it down to spending way to much time at a computer screen….so it was my fault. When I started to get blurred vision, again it was too long looking at a screen, so it was my fault.
I’ve always been a big girl, dieting was a series of yo-yo events (although I have now found one that works and stays working), but I am overweight and as all the doctors and the media tell us, being overweight is the cause of many problems. So my increasing dependence on walking sticks, the pain in my legs, the burning sensations and the inability to raise one of my feet was my weight, my lack of moral fibre made me fat so all of that was my fault!
Then my bladder got to be a problem, but I’ve had two babies and everyone knows natural childbirth can bugger up the water works if you don’t do your pelvic exercises afterwards. Obviously I hadn’t done them enough, so equally obviously all this was, as usual, my fault.
Why, you ask, didn’t you take all this to your doctor? Because they might look at me with pitying contempt, then they would sigh and give me another diet sheet and tell me I needed more physiotherapy despite the amount I’ve done over the years. Obviously I’d not done enough or done it properly and who do we think is at fault for that. I couldn’t face hearing someone with knowledge confirming everything, all the time I stayed away, shoved pain killers down my throat and shut myself in the downstairs cloakroom to cry, the safer I was from the accusatory finger, the sad shaking of the head and the unspoken “what the hell did you expect, you stupid woman!”
At this point I must add a point and a confession…the point is that about fifteen years ago I started having a problem with my right eye…only the right. I had an MRI and was diagnosed with optical neuritis. I lost thirty percent of my field of vision and ended up red/green colour blind in that eye, but that was all…no-one said anything else, no specialist or GP said anything about it, but I googled it and found a reference to it being a possible symptom of multiple sclerosis, but I had no other symptoms, so put it down as “one of those things.” I’m not a believer in the benefits of Dr Google, I think you can put in what you think is wrong with you and a common virus can come up as Ebola and scare the daylights out of you, so I don’t do it. .
Now the confession, despite what I just said, in the last few months I have been putting in what is wrong with me and the same answer has kept coming up
I think I can hear a number of you muttering “oh, for god’s sake!” at this point and, dear reader, you would not be alone, the person screaming “for god’s sake, woman!” the loudest is the wonderful man I’ve been married to for more years than I will admit here, but and its a big but as far as I’m concerned , that little voice inside me which is repeating its mantra of “don’t be silly, you know its not that, its all your fault, if you had sat on a better chair, if you had blinked more, if you had lost weight, if you had done the exercises etc etc”
However, his screaming finally got louder than the bloody voice in my head and he got me to the doctor and yesterday we got the result.
I have MS.
I sat in the surgery and couldn’t stop crying, not because I’ve got MS, that is what Terry Pratchett called “an embuggerance”, but because none of it is my fault, NONE of it, there is nothing I have done which caused this and I need feel no guilt. I cry for joy and I think my doctor is going to add this to her “days for my memories” as she said, it isn’t often you tell someone they have MS and they are delighted.
I know for a lot of people this news would be devastating, but I’m not young and my children are long since grown up and are not dependent on me, so it is no more than the afore said embuggerance. I know there will be difficulties , but my husband is looking forward to a blue badge and me being in a wheelchair, so we go in the direction he wants to go and I’m not wandering off somewhere and I have my eye on a snazzy mobility scooter which I will use to plough a path through town.
I have MS, hurrah!